On Sunday, the Lenten season will finally come to a close. Boxes of chocolate will be purchased by the dozens, McDonalds’ sales will skyrocket, Facebook book will most likely crash from all the account reopenings, and somewhere someone’s stomach is going to be pumped from all the sudden soda intake. Junk food, social networking, caffeine, and fast food: if being given up for Lent were a crime, these would be the biggest offenders. They’re The Big Four, The Crap Pack, America’s Most Wanted. Boring? Yeah, definitely.
By now, you have to be wondering: did anyone, someone, anywhere give up something, God forbid, interesting for Lent? Honestly, when it comes to regular people, I don’t know. Mine wasn’t exactly anything to shout about, and I’m too self-absorbed to spare a thought for anyone else’s sacrifices. I definitely care about what important people (i.e. celebrities) gave up, though. And since I co-run a blog about nothing, I am obviously very linked into the worldwide gossip. I knew Kim Kardashian was pregnant before she did, and I sent Jennifer Aniston a condolences basket for her Brad Pitt breakup before E! News even got out of bed that morning. So, it shouldn’t surprise you all that I know exactly the Top 5 most interesting Lenten sacrifices in the celebrity world and uh, guess what, yeah, I’m about to tell you.
This former member of the iconic trio White Girl Mob truly has it all. She recently released her solo album Somethin’ ‘Bout Kreay (how recent is 2012? It, like, just turned 2014, um), Lil B is listed as one of her associated acts on Wikipedia, and she has a song where she expertly references Left Eye about 20 times. Therefore, when we had our bimonthly brunch meet up a few weeks ago, she let me know that she was definitely feeling #BLESSED and was ready to give something up for 40 days. She gave up, um, hair dye. Maybe you’ve never seen a picture of Kreayshawn, but her hair is two colors (brown and blonde, best of both worlds I guess). How does she accurately fill out government forms? As far as I know, it went well. I guess I’ll find out at our annual midnight snack rendezvous.
4. Bob Vila
This famed handyman has had his fingers on the pulse of daytime home improvement television for years. I actually just recently found out he is real person, previously under the impression he was only the fictional rival of Tim “The Toolman” Taylor. Obviously, we don’t have a personal relationship. But, I heard it through the grapevine that this year he took a break from his apparent flannel shirt obsession. We here at Anti Cyber Punk® are usually the biggest advocates for the universal flannel. However, we agree that: 1. he was probably overdoing it and 2. he wasn’t even wearing it right — buttoned up all the way to the top? Disastrous. And not even oversized? Fashion mistakes are piling up pretty high. So for Lent, we found that he frequented shopping malls, parks, and beaches in his new collection of the classic light blue button down. There are rumors circling that this summer he might even try Tommy Bahama’s newest line (honestly, let’s hope those rumors stay rumors.)
3. Gene Simmons
Honestly, everything I know about Gene Simmons I’ve gathered from my grandma and, of course, his “super relevant” show Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels. That said, I heard it from this girl who heard it from her second cousin who heard it from his biology teacher’s mom who heard it from a squirrel in the park whose former owner was the sister of Gene Simmons’ PA (large breath)…………. that Gene Simmons was parting with his nightly ritual of painting his face black. A few weeks before this news was released to the public, Simmons said in an interview:
“For a more dramatic evening look, pour the eyeliner into your hands and smear it all over your face. Some people will not appreciate this cutting edge new tactic. They will say it’s “blackface” and “racist”. Do not be deterred. Do it for the art.”
Although it has not been confirmed by him, some speculate these controversial words and the backlash they received may be the reason for his Lenten “sacrifice”.
2. Judge Judy
If you have read our Starz of Daytime Television article then you know that writers of the blog hold Judge Judy in very high regard. So, before I found out what she would be giving up this season, I thought to myself, “What could Judge Judy possibly do improve her life?”. The answer, I later came to know, is taking a break from her daily anti-aging routine. When questioned, she stated, “Bologna! There is such thing as looking too young!”. Judge Judy just doesn’t want to confuse anyone! She’s doing a public service after all.
NOTE: Upon further reflection, I realized that, um, Judge Judy is probably Jewish. So……… my sources might not have been too trustworthy on that one.
1. Donald Faison
Donnie, my man!!!!! The former star of Scrubs and protagonist of the main influence of this blog, Clueless, happens to be one of my close, personal friends. We went to med-school together where this freak “””JD”””” followed us around all the time. He became a doctor turned actor, and I became a professional high-schooler turned blogger. Last week, while we were window shopping and catching up on old times, he informed me that throughout Lent he had not performed even one Eagle. Tragic, but he claimed that he kept throwing his back out. Since he happens to have five kids, I guess it’s pretty important that he continues the time honored tradition of being able to walk.