A Series of Unfortunate Employments

This is an informal record of my past and current professions. Think of it as an exposé. The good, the bad, and the ugly of teen employment. Making a Living: A Cautionary Tale. Everything you didn’t know and didn’t care to know about the hustle and grind.
Continue reading A Series of Unfortunate Employments

Summer Vacation: Captivity

Day 1:

It’s the first day of my captivity: May 30, 2014. Today is a Friday, I think. My last day of school. Hours ago, I entered my “home” carrying orange juice, a hash brown, and a breakfast sandwich that I acquired from a building en route. They were gifts that I brought in hopes of quelling the beast that lurked inside this “home”. It was hot and stunk of body odor and grease — the building, not the “home”. Old men stared at me, and in response, I put on bright sunglasses to intimidate them. The people in line kept repeating a name: McDonald.

“Who is Mr. McDonald?”, I wanted to ask them.

I went through the possibilities: a local farmer or possibly their god, from how reverently they said His name. On my way “home”, I sat on a bench and contemplated my fate while sipping the orange juice. It was delicious, but lacked the tiny beads of “pulp” as stated on the bottle. It also stated that it was Maid in a Minute. I found that very hard to believe, but drank on. I wasn’t sure what would happen to me when I arrived. Torture? Enslavement? Being forced to listen to the Glee version of the late I Will Always Love You on repeat? The possibilities were as terrifying as they were endless. Eventually, the device the people in my “home” had strapped me with began to vibrate. (NOTE: They called it an Apple. I always thought it didn’t taste much like anything, especially fruit. Soon I decided that it would be in my best interest to not stick foreign objects in my mouth).

“This is it”, I thought, “It’s going to explode, and I will burst into a million bloody pieces. It will be a difficult cleanup job for the city.”

I felt relieved. It didn’t blow up. However, it was persistent and began to vibrate again. I pressed on the little green circle with my forefinger, experimentally. A tiny, angry voice sounded from it. I lifted it to my ear fearfully.

“Where the f*** are you?!”, the device yelled at me. I was confused, since the Apple and I had never made a date. 

“You’re supposed to be home by now.”

Finally, I realized it was the beast that lurked in the “home” speaking to me. The way it contacted me amazed me. I wondered for the thousandth time who exactly it was working with or how it got its power. Surely, God had never meant for the human race to speak to each other using apples. In fact, the last time humans had done something questionable with apples there were rather, um, grave consequences. Existence altering, in fact.

“I– I’m on my way. I’m on the bus.” I couldn’t help lying to the beast. I did it too often to catch myself.

“I… got you something” I said, but the beast hung up on me.

I made my way “home”. (NOTE: I want to take the time now to tell you that I am writing this from the bathing quarters where the beasts sit on ceramic pots and … “relieve” themselves. I claimed a stomach flu to gain the extra time to write this entry).

When I finally entered the dwelling of the beast, it was watching questionable daytime television. It started asking me questions, feigning interest in my daily life, probably because it had yet to decide what to do with me.

“How was your last day? Did you say bye to all your friends?”

I wanted to ask it “Why? Because I’ll never see them again? What do you have planned for me?”

Instead, not wanting to anger it, I answered, “Good. It was fine. Yes.”

Its lips curved up while it bared its teeth at me. I prevented myself my cowering backwards.

“You look tired”, it said to me, “Sleep”.

Its kind suggestion was anything but. I feared what it would do to me in my slumber, but I did as I was told. I laid down on the cushiony leather monstrosity in front of me and let the darkness envelope me.

What Celebrities Gave Up For Lent

On Sunday, the Lenten season will finally come to a close. Boxes of chocolate will be purchased by the dozens, McDonalds’ sales will skyrocket, Facebook book will most likely crash from all the account reopenings, and somewhere someone’s stomach is going to be pumped from all the sudden soda intake. Junk food, social networking, caffeine, and fast food: if being given up for Lent were a crime, these would be the biggest offenders. They’re The Big Four, The Crap Pack, America’s Most Wanted. Boring? Yeah, definitely.

By now, you have to be wondering: did anyone, someone, anywhere give up something, God forbid, interesting for Lent? Honestly, when it comes to regular people, I don’t know. Mine wasn’t exactly anything to shout about, and I’m too self-absorbed to spare a thought for anyone else’s sacrifices. I definitely care about what important people (i.e. celebrities) gave up, though. And since I co-run a blog about nothing, I am obviously very linked into the worldwide gossip. I knew Kim Kardashian was pregnant before she did, and I sent Jennifer Aniston a condolences basket for her Brad Pitt breakup before E! News even got out of bed that morning. So, it shouldn’t surprise you all that I know exactly the Top 5 most interesting Lenten sacrifices in the celebrity world and uh, guess what, yeah, I’m about to tell you.

5. Kreayshawn

This former member of the iconic trio White Girl Mob truly has it all. She recently released her solo album Somethin’ ‘Bout Kreay (how recent is 2012? It, like, just turned 2014, um), Lil B is listed as one of her associated acts on Wikipedia, and she has a song where she expertly references Left Eye about 20 times. Therefore, when we had our bimonthly brunch meet up a few weeks ago, she let me know that she was definitely feeling #BLESSED and was ready to give something up for 40 days. She gave up, um, hair dye. Maybe you’ve never seen a picture of Kreayshawn, but her hair is two colors (brown and blonde, best of both worlds I guess). How does she accurately fill out government forms? As far as I know, it went well. I guess I’ll find out at our annual midnight snack rendezvous.

4. Bob Vila

This famed handyman has had his fingers on the pulse of daytime home improvement television for years. I actually just recently found out he is real person, previously under the impression he was only the fictional rival of Tim “The Toolman” Taylor. Obviously, we don’t have a personal relationship. But, I heard it through the grapevine that this year he took a break from his apparent flannel shirt obsession. We here at Anti Cyber Punk® are usually the biggest advocates for the universal flannel. However, we agree that: 1. he was probably overdoing it and 2. he wasn’t even wearing it right — buttoned up all the way to the top? Disastrous. And not even oversized? Fashion mistakes are piling up pretty high. So for Lent, we found that he frequented shopping malls, parks, and beaches in his new collection of the classic light blue button down. There are rumors circling that this summer he might even try Tommy Bahama’s newest line (honestly, let’s hope those rumors stay rumors.)

3. Gene Simmons

Honestly, everything I know about Gene Simmons I’ve gathered from my grandma and, of course, his “super relevant” show Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels. That said, I heard it from this girl who heard it from her second cousin who heard it from his biology teacher’s mom who heard it from a squirrel in the park whose former owner was the sister of Gene Simmons’ PA (large breath)…………. that Gene Simmons was parting with his nightly ritual of painting his face black. A few weeks before this news was released to the public, Simmons said in an interview:

“For a more dramatic evening look, pour the eyeliner into your hands and smear it all over your face. Some people will not appreciate this cutting edge new tactic. They will say it’s “blackface” and “racist”. Do not be deterred. Do it for the art.”

Although it has not been confirmed by him, some speculate these controversial words and the backlash they received may be the reason for his Lenten “sacrifice”.

2. Judge Judy

If you have read our Starz of Daytime Television article then you know that writers of the blog hold Judge Judy in very high regard. So, before I found out what she would be giving up this season, I thought to myself, “What could Judge Judy possibly do improve her life?”. The answer, I later came to know, is taking a break from her daily anti-aging routine. When questioned, she stated, “Bologna! There is such thing as looking too young!”. Judge Judy just doesn’t want to confuse anyone! She’s doing a public service after all.

NOTE: Upon further reflection, I realized that, um, Judge Judy is probably Jewish. So……… my sources might not have been too trustworthy on that one.

1. Donald Faison

Donnie, my man!!!!! The former star of Scrubs and protagonist of the main influence of this blog, Clueless, happens to be one of my close, personal friends. We went to med-school together where this freak “””JD”””” followed us around all the time. He became a doctor turned actor, and I became a professional high-schooler turned blogger. Last week, while we were window shopping and catching up on old times, he informed me that throughout Lent he had not performed even one Eagle. Tragic, but he claimed that he kept throwing his back out. Since he happens to have five kids, I guess it’s pretty important that he continues the time honored tradition of being able to walk.